It's almost pesach, which means it's almost time to count the omer! I'm probably gonna be doing this shit again:

Omer 1: Chesed of Chesed, lovingkindness within lovingkindness
Amusingly enough, I've been asking myself these questions lately from a polyamory perspective as my number of partners grows, but other kinds of love are maybe more relevant here.

I worry about balancing love-within-love as love for others, with space for loving myself. I used to chase chesed and crave it and approach it with familiarity, but these days I am more tentative. Not sure if it's an improvement.

More omer counting resources 

Color-coded per sefirah combination, with blessings/wording for the counting itself:

Another calendar of short contemplations relating to the sefirot for each day:

Omer 2: Gevurah shebeChesed, strength/discipline within lovingkindness 

I suppose I should have left some of the balancing-love questions for today, huh?

Since I was young, I remember my parents telling me not to give too much of myself, kid meli running into that wall over and over. I give less of myself now; my personal overextensions of love and effort and burnout don't quite happen as often. I like the daily assignment of helping someone on their terms, not yours.

Omer 2: Gevurah shebeChesed, strength/discipline within lovingkindness 

There's a difference between giving too much overall and giving in wrong or unhelpful or self-centered ways, and to me the concept of gevurah shebechesed seems like it's about avoiding the latter, not the former. Not rationing love, but targeting it.

I am very much not a master of this but I at least feel like I understand it.

Omer 3: Tiferet Shebechesed 

Tiferet is far and away the most confusing of these attributes. It's where harmony and truth and beauty all meet together. So, tiferet within lovingkindness: recognizing beauty and balance in lovingkindness, in expressing and spreading chesed in daily life. Recognizing that "deserving" love is not the point, but instead balancing our capacity to give in ways that are harmonious with others' needs.

Omer 4: Netzach Shebechesed 

Endurance/eternity within lovingkindness: even when it's hard, we do the thing. Love is difficult to maintain over long periods of time, but important. I am not always good at this, in the ways that also reflect back to balance--i think of myself as loving intensely and burning out on it, rather than building stable enduring slower fires. Not that I always X out when it's hard, but enduring doesn't feel like the right word. Something to work on.

Omer 4: Netzach Shebechesed (2) 

I have a harder time extending chesed to myself than to others, and netzach shebechesed is no exception. Trying to be kind to myself and not spiral into bad thoughts around chronic illness flares and the like is challenging. I went for a walk and overdid it just enough that I’m spending a lot of time resting after, and trying to approach this from a more loving place than my usual frustrated stubbornness. I’m stuck in this body. Might as well be nice about it.

Omer 5: Hod Shebechesed (submission/splendor/sincerity within lovingkindness)

Hod shebechesed feels reminiscent of the degrees of giving tzedakah, where the more good you do for another person and the less of your ego/their shame you involve the better a deed you've done.

There's a particular kind of self-centeredness that happens with depressed folks, myself included, and I think I could work on lessening that if i paid more attention to the humility aspect of love.

Omer 6: Yesod Shebechesed (connection within lovingkindness) 

When I think yesod shebechesed, i think of disability justice and access intimacy.

Access intimacy takes work. It is hard. I have glimpsed it in partnerships much more than in communities, because there's fewer variables and needs.

But disability justice and all its constitutive concepts are powerful, and I am driven by lovingkindness to build connections so we can together have intimacy and community.

Omer 7: Malchut Shebechesed (kingliness within lovingkindness) also mh~-

I counted the omer on time last night, but couldn't think of anything to say here. I was having a bad depression day, so it was difficult to try to channel anything resembling kingliness/Gdliness within lovingkindness, especially through the personal dignity frame used in that link. Spiritual growth is hard for anyone, but maybe especially for those of us with slightly broken brain chemistry.

Omer 7: Malchut Shebechesed (kingliness within lovingkindness) also mh~- 

@Mxmatched I think it’s interesting to note that mal hut is also the presence, the spatiality and infrastructure and solid existence of God. What would an infrastructure of kindness look like? How will we build the kingdom of Chesed?

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