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"romance" 

I don't think I understand what "romance" is.

My best explanation has always been "the re-enactment of tropes from media that are socially coded as romantic". Buying flowers, doing the Lady & the Tramp pasta thing, etc. But it's just.. mimicry! Interested in others' hopefully more nuanced thoughts on this.

"romance" 

I feel like an alien on a peculiar, unknown planet. :/

"romance" 

@tty my aro perspective is basically that. People will say its a feeling, but idk. Afaict its just a desire for intimacy/closeness filtered, understood and performed through the tropes of romance.
I dont think romance is in any way a naturally occuring category. Its some socially constructed shit that just makes shit complicated.
It often seems like romance is just the enactement and imitation of amatonormativity.
*insert angry aro chant "abolish romance"*

"romance" 

@sunflower_avenue hehe, I was hoping you'd have thoughts on this Sun!

"romance" 

@tty There’s, like, multiple layers of meaning and a whole cultural history that goes back to 18th Century Europe, but in modern usage I guess a romantic sensibility is one that’s easily overcome by (certain kinds of) emotion and a romantic gesture is one that signifies being overcome by emotion…

"romance" 

@ghost_bird What constitutes a romantic gesture, to you?

"romance" 

@tty …but then, like you say, amatonormativity means the most culturally acceptable kind of emotion to be overcome by is love, and “romance” becomes a shorthand for the feeling of being overwhelmed by love (“such a romantic evening”), or the cultural signifiers that express being overwhelmed (“flowers and candles! How romantic!”)

"romance" 

@tty Something like that, anyway. There are probably whole shelves full of cultural studies about this

"romance" 

@tty I kind of think of romantic acts as acts that show that one cares about the other and their happiness and enjoyment of the moment, as things that say 'hey, I see you, I like you, I want you to be at ease, I want enjoyment for you'. But it is usually a kind of re-enactment, and it can be really shallow.

"romance" 

@human_dude Hm. I feel like I do this for lots of folx though -- I love doing this kinda thing for my friends! ^__^

"romance" 

@tty then maybe I am sort of underestimating real romance? Gah, this is also confusing for me.
I feel like it is about showing someone that they are special to you, which is maybe bigger for a love interest than a friend for many people. But I don't see why you can't do that for friends too.

"romance" 

@human_dude @tty i think this fits into the idea of romantic friendships.
Which, tbh, i adore as a conception. It no longer restricts romance to a type of relationship but rather the expression of love, closeness, intimacy...

(I tend to fall on the 'abolish romance' side but i also love the 'expand romance till its almost unrecognizable' approach)

"romance" 

@tty I'm ace but alloromantic, and I have no idea how to describe romance which is possibly how sexual people feel about describing sexual attraction to me. To me romance is not performative, it's a specific thing, I don't know if it's a feeling or what, but it's a thing. It feels in my brain like pouring a purple rainbow at someone and it creates a tether that connects me to them. A purple rainbow beam.

"romance" 

@tty then the doing romantic things I know nothing about. It'd be just anything I do with the one at the other end of the purple rainbow beam.

"romance" 

@tty ooh, ill also add in limerence, which i think is central to most peoples understanding of romance.
Id argue that limerence doesnt have to be romantic but i think its a big part of the cultural conception of what is romance

Heres the wiki definition
Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

"romance" 

@tty when I think about what "romance" means to me, what jumps out is "an attentiveness and thoughtfulness to another's needs and desires". Anything else feels too specific?

sooo not really limited to traditional romantic relationships i guess? But I've learned that being ace means I see the world in a very different way than my allo friends!

"romance" 

@nleigh half-joking: i'm so riddled with codependency that that definition is how I treat nearly everyone :D

I do like the definition though. It makes me think of "limerance" (re: Sun's comments). To me this really feels like how I treat friends by default, so maybe romance is... just this.. to an even higher degree? 🤷‍♀️

"romance" 

@tty lol whenever I have been asked for advice on how to start dating someone, my instinct is to just tell them to be friends… and then “friend” harder?

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