abusive family patterns 

Here is a family social pattern around "support" that I truly despise & that also has deep crazy-making potential energy:

Family Member(FM): *suddenly does a thing "for" you that they consider support*

Me: uhm, this isn't what I need. But, it would really help me if--

FM: oh wow ok fine, here I am trying to help, and this is what I get? wow. I don't even know why I try.


This can also play out as me making a specific support request, and them just doing their own thing that isn't what I asked for, and then similarly exploding when I don't accept it b/c it's not what I want.

abusive family patterns 

@tty this smells like ✨codependency✨ to me. Sorry you have to deal with this

abusive family patterns 

@milofultz thanks.

also: curious why you say that. I don't disagree, but I think it's interesting you arrived at that conclusion 20+ years faster than me :P

abusive family patterns 

@tty lots and lots of therapy is where I got the info from.

I was asking my therapist about instances of authority figures using punishment as a way of enforcing action in those they want control over. She mentioned two different modes of operation in that scenario: commentary vs. codependency (the analogy doesn't go too far, but it does work here).

Codependency being like a scenario you mentioned, where commentary would be reflecting on what you see or hear.

abusive family patterns 

@tty The big difference is where the focus is in the response: commentary is maintaining empathy with the other person by offering your time and attention, and codependency is focusing on what you get out of it.

Parenting seems to be frought with it, as being a "bad" parent is something you want to avoid being labeled as, but that may occur regardless of how successful you are as a parent, and what those criteria even are.

abusive family patterns 

@milofultz Thanks Milo for writing back. I appreciate your thoughts on this. The key piece of empathy being maintained feels really significant.

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