So it's like two and a half thousand years ago in Athens right and there's this guy called Peisistratos and he's all walking around goin "Heeey, what's up guys, you know how my uncle Solon gave you all the right to vote in shit? Weeell it's kinda not great because the Oligarchs still kinda have all the power and regular dudes don't even get that much of the say, it seems like this Democracy thing might not be good after all? How about you all come with me and we overthrow the oligarchs and you install me in supreme unquestionable power and I'll give you a bunch of stuff in return, sound good?"

This was kinda going on all over Greece at the time, Oligarchs would get rich and Tyrants would spring up like prooop

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So the people of Athens are like "Fuck yeah, fuck these Oligarchs man, they're always being like rich and shit. And I'm pretty sure they're in bed with Sparta and that's just a dick move bro" so they put him in power and were like "we live in a tyranny"

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when Peisistratos was installed he started getting people to build wells, temples, statues, fuckin roads and Athens went from like a few villages to like an actual town.

And people are all "Yeah huh this is pretty cool, we're all getting jobs and look at all this cool new shit. It's pretty good to be an Athenian in the Tyranny" ... "Unless you're a slave" one said, "Or a woman" another shouted, "I hate women, why can't I impregnate my boyfriend instead of fuckin with that hetero shit?" because ancient greeks were super gay but also like super patriarchal because they're fuckin cis men

But then Peisistratos decides "Hey, I'm all powerful right? Why ain't I all rich too?" So he goes up to landowners and is all "Hey, why, instead of growing food that we can eat, you grow food that we can sell for a profit to other places? You make money, I make money, it's a win win. Except for the poor I guess... and the women... and the slaves, but they're all busy in the mines anyway"

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So Peisistratos dies and he has done a bunch of public infrastructure but also kinda made Athens even more hierarchical and unequal than it already was, because now there was a super rich super powerful person above the oligarchs who were above the rest of athens who were above the women and slaves.

Peisistratos has two kids Hippias and Hipparchus and of course they're both fuckin brats right. Hipparchus is all walking around like "Oooh look at me, my daddy built the fuckin road you walk on." He's just walking around insulting people and abusing his position of power thinking nobody will touch him because he's co-tyrant.

One day he meets this dude called Harmodius and he's all "Woah.... WOAH.... that is one fuckin sexy dude..." And Harmodius is like "Hey, sorry bro, I have a boyfriend."

And Hipparchus is like "But I'm like the tyrant, so like, that means you kinda have to be my boyfriend now"

Harmodius doesn't really know what to say to that so he just kinda silently backs away

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And of course Harmodius returns home and his boyfriend Aristogeiton is all like "Hey babe!" And Harmodius is all "Babe, hey."

"Hey babe?"

"Hey... babe."

"Something wrong?"

"I just got hit on by one of the tyrants, it was so gross, eww babe it was so gross"

"The tyrant hit on you?"

"Yeah he was all like 'Wooooah woooooooooOAAAHHHhhh' and like drooling when he saw me standing there in my toga"

"You do look hot in that toga"

"I do"

"You're such a flamer"

They kiss.

"Yeah, it was weird. I'm sure it's fine though, he'll probably get over it right?"

He didn't.

Of course this tyrant didn't get over being so publically rejected by a hot dude in favour of this other dude that wasn't even the ruler of Athens.

"Dear diary, I like love this guy and he's not even into me and I'm the tyrant, wtf. I'm going to get back at him, and it's gonna be like so goss, it'll be ridiculous. Smooches."

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Now the Panatheniac games are on and this is like what the Olympics was but it's like just for Athens so it's just kinda not as good but still worth going to if you've got nothing else on that day.

Hippias, Hipparchus, Harmodius, Aristogeiton, they're all at the panatheniac games one day. Now Hipparchus sees the couple together and he's like "yessss now for my devilish scheme."

Hipparchus finds Harmodius' sister and is all like "Hey, you seem like you could do a sports, why don't you play something in the games?"

And she's all "Yeah! I love the... sports! And yeah, I'll yeah I'll do that"

So she's all getting ready to throw a ball or a stick or something and she's stretching and Hipparchus points at her and shouts "Ewww! See look at her stretching, I don't think that woman is a virgin at all!" and he just starts publically slutshaming her like a complete cunt.

Harmodius sees this and he's like "What... the fuck, this dude hits on me and now slutshames my unnamed sister?"

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So Harmodius goes up to his boyfriend and is all "Hey... babe... I've got a plan, this guy is gonna be all tyrannyifying and shit, insulting my sister, well I ain't doing that. I wanna kill this guy, you in?"

And Aristogeiton's like "BABE OMG yes of COURSE I want to do a tyrannicide with you!"

"Ok, play along" Harmodius says and goes onto the field.

"Aristogeiton!" he says to the crowd "Won't you pick up that shotput for me?" and he winks and Aristogeiton who pretends to not be able to pick up the ball.

"Why my boyfriend is weak. He doesn't even lift, bro. I must need a new one!" he again declares to the crowd, then looking at Hipparchus "I'm sure our strong tyrant Hipparchus can lift it for me"

Hipparchus is all like "Yes... fuck YES. I like insulted his sister and now this guy wants to fuck me, this is the best plan."

So he runs over to the shotput, smugly smiles at Aristogeiton and picks up the shotput with one hand.

"Oh wow, stronk man, why don't you bring it over here?"

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Hipparchus brings the shotput over and he's smiling and Harmodius is like "FOOLED YOU" and he stabs him and then Aristogeiton stabs him too and is all "Be gay, do crimes, bitch!"

Boom, dead tyrant.

Hippias sees this and he's like "Naw... fuck naw... my brother is just dead, like... naw. I'm the tyrant, these bitches gonna pay."

Harmodius and Aristogeiton are killed of course and Hippias is like going full tyrant, he's the guy that gave tyranny the definition that it has now. He was all taxing the poor and killing the poor and just being a general dick.

And now all the people of Athens hate the tyanny, Hippias is having to cosy up to the Persian empire and other Greek tyrants just to keep himself in power.

The Spartans were like "Naw... naw... fuck this, the Tyrants are like being.. Tyrants. And our buddies the oligarchs, they're not even liking this stuff either. We're going to invade Athens, depose the Tyranny and impose an Oligarchy" and that's what they did

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So now Hippias is taking refuge in Persia and there's a bunch of rich Oligarchs in power in Athens and the people are all like "Fuck this. We just had to go through all them years of tyranny and now the oligarchy is back and we're just doing the same thing as before with the rich in power? We should like do the opposite of tyranny, make a system where like everyone gets a direct say in how we govern society... except women and slaves. Then it won't be these rich oligarchs that the Spartans like and it won't be these powerful tyrants that the Persians like and it'll just be us and we like us because we are us!"

And all of Athens was like "Yay!" the poor people of Athens were like "Fuck yeah, revolution babeeeee!"

So the city rises up in revolt and the oligarchs fuckin hide like pussies in the Acropolis. The people of athens are like "Lol" and climb that shit and they're at the doors like "Y'all rich cunts gonnae diiiieee"

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The king of Sparta is trapped in there too, the oligarchs are freaking out.

The people outside have taken to calling themselves 'Democrats' and are all like "Show me what Democracy looks like!" "THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE"

The Spartan king is all like "Hey guys, I'm sorry I installed an oligarchy here, can I go home please?"

The people took a vote and decided "Yeah fuck it, why not."

They let the king get back to Sparta, but they were too busy killing the rich to care.

This guy Cleisthenes starts proposing sweeping reforms to the Athenian assembly, he thought a functioning democracy required the ruling class to be divided, so he attacked the very thing he saw as the source of oligarchy: family inheritance. People were no longer to be loyal to their families but to their 'Demes', the local communities in which they conducted directly democratic assemblies.

Cleisthenes gets a statue built of Harmodius and Aristogeiton, setting in stone democracy's origins in gay crime

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So whenever anyone tells you "We live in a democracy" you say "No. We live in an oligarchy, one in which the ruling class is united and the working class is divided. If you truly care for democracy, then get out there, do some gay crimes, destroy the ruling class fam"

@Aleums February is LGBT history month in the UK, so thought it was good to get something out there. Boyfriends assassinating tyrants and igniting a revolution is about as good as it gets :P

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